So. January first, 2020 is over, and with it goes the last holiday season of my childhood. My birthday’s coming fast, I’m getting more work hours, and school is wrapping up.
The past couple years New Year’s Eve and the end of the year has brought it with a massive load of anxiety for me, and watching the clock count down the seconds always felt like my chest was closing. Like something huge and catastrophic was about to take place and every part of me was hyperaware waiting for it to happen.
Of course then the next minute would roll quietly in and nothing would have changed at all actually, except for humans marking down a new number in their self-made system. Humans like to have systems. Does the Earth know it’s a new year? Or does she just know the sun will warm her other side in a few hours as she keeps turning steadily forward?
I think for the most part change comes slowly. Ebbing in until it’s already happened and it’s the new usual. Until one day you have a weird moment of realization, making tea or driving home or pulling a sweater on, and remember the things around you didn’t used to be as such.
So I know change will happen this year, like it does every year, and maybe a few things this year will be more monumental than things that have happened in past, but I don’t feel worried about it. I’m taking it one day at a time, and I feel pretty at peace.
I sat in our kitchen last night after everyone had wandered off, cleaning a little while I listened to a free online concert some groups I like had put on, and I made tea in a new teapot my Mum got me and I had some chocolate with it—two squares to be exact—and there was something so comforting about it. I felt like I was fully prepared for the new chapter of my life that’s starting, and really, I am. Everything I need I have already, held in my hands and my chest. And I’ll be adding to my toolbox as I go along.
So I’m looking forward to what will happen this year. But I also feel like taking it easy and simple. Everything has been hectic lately, and I’d personally like to just wander and talk to all the plants along the pave I’m on.
So here’s to a new year, of realizing we each have what it takes to get through, to flourish, and to get to where we’re longing for.
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